am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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