we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
