you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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