You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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