nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Randomize
