Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
