I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
