the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
These tits shall not be calmed
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
