someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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