I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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