All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
