So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
