I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
