Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
