70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
