It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
