I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
