i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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