I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
