If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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