You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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