Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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