Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
