My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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