I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
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