I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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