So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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