It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
