I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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