i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
