Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
