he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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