Four minutes until I can fart!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
