I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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