I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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