i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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