Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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