Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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