you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
