I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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