fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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