I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
