Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
