if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
