i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
