I'm laying in your front yard are you home
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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