And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
