I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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