so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
