Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
